I ran across this article I had saved from a newspaper many years ago. I laughed so hard I thought it was definitely worth sharing. Erma Bombeck was such a funny lady and I remember so many of her stories. Every time I sit down in an airplane I remember her saying that she was sure the airline hostesses tightened the seat belts between each flight because nobody could be that small. She had a book titled "If Life is a Bowl Of Cherries What Am I doing in the Pits?"
So here is her article:
FACE IT THE BELLY & BUTTOCKS WON'T FIT THE FASHION.
Every year women allow bathing suit manufacturers to do a number on them.
Designers march out the same six perfect bodies wearing a string connected to two Dixie cups, a bottom the size of a bus token, and declare, "This is what you'll be wearing on the beaches this summer." Two hours after those bodies in those suits are splashed on the pages of Sports Illustrated, women all over the country start boiling dietary plastic pouches.
I used to do that. Not anymore. Face it America, you've cooked turkeys bigger than those bodies, and you are never going to look like that. Look at me when I write. I know you don't want to hear this, but it's true. These women starve for a living. Can you understand that? On their resumes under experience they list "Diet". The don't eat a dozen olives while preparing dinner. They don't stand over a disposal gnawing at the meat their kids left on the pork chop bones. They don't scrape the bottom of the skillet with a fork for the crispy stuff that fell off the chicken.
Oh sure, they've known success but they've never known the ecstasy of dumping an envelope of onion soup mix into a pint of sour cream and devouring it with a bag of chips and a diet drink on a Friday night. Not only that, all six of them are young, real young. Cologne on my dressing table is older than most of them. They have never had a pregnancy where they gained over 48 pounds. They've never balanced a stroller on one hip and a 40 pound baby on the other. They don't have stretch marks so deep the sand collects in them. They go through life squeezing buttocks and going into the pelvic tilt at traffic lights. Is that the kind of life you want? I've been to a lot of beaches and swimming pools in my life and I have yet to see a bathing suit from the pages of Sports Illustrated. What I am seeing are the tushes that have tumbled, chests that have fallen, knees that have bloused and Pillsbury Doughboy stomachs.
The average woman emerges from the dressing room wearing a cover-up or a beach towel Wrapped around her middle. Her bathing suit will have a little flounce to cover the tops of her legs. It will drape over her stomach so you''re not quite sure what's under it and will have more built-ins than an RV. The back of her knees will look like a road map outlined in varicose veins.
Don't bother looking for the six bathing suit models. They won't be there. Oh, there will be a couple of teen-agers who look pretty good in a lime green bikini that glows in the dark, but for the most part there will be self-conscious women scouring the beaches in a desperate attempt to find someone who looks worse in a bathing suit than they do.
I fully expect mail from good bodies who will assure me that in spite of kids and time, they have not gone to pot. Probably six letters no more.
Erma Bombeck
I have laughed so much reading this I hope it brings joy & laughter to you also. Denese
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