A New Normal

It has been seven months since my husband died.  It seems strange because all the things around me are the same.  The same house, bed, car, etc. but a huge part of my life is missing.  I go through the motions of my life day to day and yet at times I am overwhelmed with sadness.  It's a sadness that is hard to describe.  All is normal one minute and then a sense of loss and fear arise.

I dream about him almost every night and in the dreams he is here and the dreams are very normal.  Sometimes he is so sweet and at other times I get angry with him just as I would day to day.  I am just beginning to dream that he is gone.  Is my subconscious protecting me from the reality of loss?  I am not certain.

I realize that I have no choice but to go through this new and different existence.  I remember reading a book many years ago called "Run to the Roar."  The author used the analogy of a lion roaring and suggested that the best way to deal with the problem was to run to and not away from the roar.  I suppose that is what I must do today.  Rather than being afraid to face the reality of loss I will be better off if I can face it and be aware that some days will be good, average or normal and others might be sad.

This quote speaks to me today:
"Life is amazing.  And then it's awful.  And then it's amazing again.  And in between the amazing and the awful it's ordinary and mundane and routine.  Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary.  That's just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, ordinary life.  And it's breathtakingly beautiful."  L R Knost

So as I use those words of wisdom I strive to find a new normal in my life.  A life filled with loving family and great friends who help me to find the amazing in my life today.  Even though it is different there are still those moments of amazement & joy.