Vulnerability

It has been a year today since I became ill with West Nile Virus.  I spent 52 days in the hospital and a full year in therapy working to get my strength back.  I have been successful in learning to sit, stand, walk and drive once again.  In fact my life is back to a new normal.  In many ways I am the same and yet in other ways I will never be like I was before.

My husband and I went to the lake on Friday.  We have large boat and stay in a slip on the water.  Getting on and off the boat is a challenge for me but I am getting stronger and able to do more.  We had a good evening but decided to come home early last night.  There is so much lifting and loading to do and I am still not able to do a lot of that so I try to wait patiently while my husband does most of the work.  We loaded the boat, took our things to shore and Bobby went back to tie up the boat in the slip.  I was to move the pickup to the parking lot.  The pickup was parked on an incline and when I tried to step up to get in I almost fell.  I was barely able to get both feet on the running board then it took all the strength I had to pull myself into the truck.  I was frightened, frustrated and cried for a long time.

I have worked so hard and come so far but there are still many things I can't do that came easy to me before.  I was angry for the first time since my illness that I couldn't do simple things that I wanted to do.  My normal is different and yet there is an expectation that since I have done so well that I am able to do what I did before.  I really dislike complaining and don't want to be a whiner because that doesn't get me where I want to be either.  However, I am the only one that can set the appropriate boundaries for myself and I am often not clear bout what those limitations are..

There is a definite loss of the person that I was before the illness and as hard as I try I must admit the vulnerability that I feel.  Maybe the expectations come more from within than from others but there are times that I am just plain sad.

This morning when I looked at my blog I had 5,000 visits for the first time.  I was elated about the ability to share my thoughts with so many people and am grateful that others might find value in my writings.  But my benefit to myself or anyone else will only come through being honest, open and vulnerable.  It is like "some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."  Not every day is filled with joy and laughter even when that is my desire.

So today I share my fears of my limitations and even though I know I will continue to get better I will still have times that I am not up to all I want to do.  Your visits to my blog and comments are encouraging.